It's been a while

I was looking at our blog a few days ago. I started from the very beginning, and it was so much fun to  read. There were so many things I had forgotten about and it made me realize how stupid I have been for not writing on here anymore. I am going to try to document more as a journal. So much of life is forgotten.
   Since our last post, a lot has changed. We had a baby boy, Beck, 4 months ago. He is such a joy to me. People always say that little girls love their daddy more, and that has always made me a little sad and jealous so I am happy to have my boy. He has the most amazing smile and chubby thighs. He is incredibly patient- I have noticed that each baby I have is more patient than the last. I have come to  the conclusion that it is a tender mercy from Heavenly Father. I worry. I worry that I can't be the mom I want to be to my kids and then I worry more because In don't feel like I am done having children but I'm not sure how to be the mom I want to be. I worry I am failing. I think this is normal. I hope so at least. And I pray that I am doing it right.
  Andi turned 2 in February, the day before Beck was  born. I was so scared that she would hate him and that life was going to be miserable, She was so emotional and crazy for about 2 months before he was born. She would wake up screaming and stay that way until she fell asleep before bed. She had a really bad habit of throwing her self backward when she had a tantrum and would hit her head a lot. I was really panicked, but as an answer to my many prayers, she is happy and she loves Beck the best that a 2 year old can. She tends to be rough but she loves him. Most people don't see the Andi I know. She is a great helper. She will often see me doing something and she'll jump in to help the best she can. I love this about her. she is a goofy girl. She knows how to smile to get what she wants. , something I find very cute...for now. She loves the iPad, chocolate, and loves to say "I ho jew" as in I hold you. She has learned her ABC's, numbers, and I am working on her leaning to spell her name. She isn't as vocal as her sister were at this age, but she is very expressive and we understand what she wants. She sleeps in our bed still. I have mixed feeling about that. She cuddles with Jordan, since I have Beck. I miss our cuddles. I am finding that the hardest thing about being a mom is spending the time I would like to with each kid. I am aware of it, so I do try. Something I want to remember about Andi is that she covers her mouth when she laughs and how she says i'll see you later- I see you  yay-yer.
I love this girl. oh! I saved her life on Tuesday. she was being pulled in a floater by another little girl and nose-dived into the water. I had taken two more kids, other than my own, to a pool and my friend was walking up. All the kids got in the pool with only me there, which I was really nervous about because mine don't swim (each had a floater) and I hadn't had chance to change into my bathing suit. anyway, in she went. I immediately jumped in a scooped her up. Later, as I replayed it over and over in my head, I realized I must have pulled her head out with such force because I bruised the back of her neck trying to scoop her face out first. It was scary. when I told jordan about it, he thanked me fore always being to attentive to our kids. That was really something I needed because I often miss adult conversations because I consatnly need to check on them. Apparently I am what they call a helicopter parent, at least in public places, and that is fine with me. I think  it makes me an introvert or seem that way sometimes.
  ok, on to  Harley. sometimes I worry she is too involved in her own world and may have issues. I have talked to teacher at church and they say she is doing just fine. I remember my aunt thought I had ADHD as a  kid because I was the same way. She loves bugs, poop, stinky things, being dirty, princesses, batman, and holding little toys. she still has her "blue blanket", her harley accent (i.e. she says her name harwee), biggest blue eyes and  long lashes, skinny little body and her all around carefree, lazy personality. She is smart. Really smart, but I think she is often overlooked as being smart because of how she talks and the fact that Kennedy usually seeks attention. I have never seen a kid more creative and imaginative than her. She may not notice when she drops a toy or a piece of trash, but she could tell you every detail of something she saw once.  Lately, she loves for me to tickle her back, I noticed that she is becoming a little defiant like her sister and is getting an attitude. I don't like it. She can't handle being told no, same with Andi ( I call them my Februarys) they both have a physical melt down, when they curl into a ball and cry. They are both pretty sensitive. This helps me to learn that just as everyone has a love language, I need to discipline my kids in the way that works best for them. She can hold her own to kennedy now. She is tring to read to keep up with her sister and I think its great. Her and kennedy play all day long together and have a love-hate relationship. Kennedy will boss her around but she is also very protective of her. At Beck's blessing I had to go nurse him during testimony meeting. I heard Harley's  cute voice come on over the speaker and could tell someone was whispering to her what to say. Then kennedy came on and bore her testimony. I was thinking that an adult helped Harley but learned that it was Kennedy helping her. That was also the first time kennedy went up there and did it alone. Harley is so skinny, and loves to eat a quesadilla for lunch every day. She is slightly pigeon -toed and is probably the most adorable little 4 year old in the world. Jordan likes to call her left field lately.
   Kennedy is my challenge. I often need to remind myself that she is only 5. How is she 5 already and only 5? Most of the time, I feel like I am talking to at least an 8 year old. Sometimes, I think she could totally babysit her siblings, I think she thinks that too because she acts like a little mom. She is brilliant and she knows it. I think it might be difficult to teach her confidence vs. arrogance. I hope she is humble. She often acts entitled to things and makes a point to prove she is better at Harley than everything. It makes me frustrated, she makes me frustrated. She doesn't like to be told no. She throws crazy 40 minute tantrums sometimes. I have a really hard time finding what will work as far as disciplining her.  I don't want her to be a jerk when she is older. She is also a huge help to me. She can keeps an eye on her sisters and baby brother, she helps Halrey and Andi when I am busy with Beck. She has a big heart. On her 5th birthday she got two of the same toy and she gave it to Harley because she said " I think it would make her really happy". She once gave her sweater to a girl in her primary class because she was feeling cold and sick. She has been forgiving of her friend Everett when he was mean to her. She loves babies and animals and school and learning and attention. She learns most things quickly but will get angry when she doesn't learn something right away.  She impresses me every day. They all do. I guess thats why they are mine. I am their  mom. I love it. sometimes I want to run away and have quiet...and I miss them when they sleep or I run to the store. I don't expect anyone to read all of this. Its for me anyway but I have felt the impression to record my thoughts.